I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
