If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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