finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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