Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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