at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize