Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
