Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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