Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
