Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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