u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
