Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
