I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
