sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
