You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
