he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
