i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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