I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
