remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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