If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
