hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
