I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
