why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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