I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
