just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
