you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
