yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
