If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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