So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this boner is exhausting
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize