Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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