You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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