My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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