the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
