New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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