At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
