don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We got so high we made milksteak
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
