I can tuck mytits in my pants
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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