i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
