My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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