the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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