I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
