he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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