I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize