i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
