I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
