And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
