I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
