Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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