On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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