I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
