Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
