What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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