Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
