guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
