tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
