some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
