just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
