We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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